By: Ryan Ellis | Follow me on Twitter @_RyEllis_

The NHL announced earlier this off-season that teams would be selling ad space on their uniforms for the first time. Outrage ensued on social media for a few days as the photo-shop wizards worked their magic. Since then, the uproar has simmered. Cooler heads prevailed as those of us who understood that increased ad revenue means better odds of expedited cap increases. Something teams will desperately need as the salaries continue to rise and the COVID-19 pandemic did no favors to the league’s finances.

As the masses realized a potentially noninvasive brand logo could lead to the extra dollars needed to re-sign someone like, oh, I don’t know, Charlie McAvoy. With that in mind, I began to think. If our beloved black and gold sweaters are to be stained by capitalism, they should be looking for a brand that truly resonates with this team’s essence. I took the liberty to organize a list of potential suitors for the brass over at the Garden to mull over. Below I’ll break down the finalists of this satirical exercise in futility.

1) Bruindex Window Cleaner

The Bruins teaming up with a brand known for keeping your windows squeaky clean is a match made in heaven. The constant talk of the ever-closing window for the Bruins’ odds of winning another Stanley Cup with the core group has been a track on repeat for several years now. Even though the core group has dwindled with the departure of David Krejci and the unknown with Tuukka Rask, we have to keep the faith! And keeping the faith means keeping that window cleaner than a Bergeron slot-crossing apple to Marchand, with Bruindex!

2) Brad’s Rat Traps

Something about the visual of Brad Marchand starring in a pest control commercial cracks me up! Something we all hope for this season is for the Bruins to show some grit. They bolstered their bottom six with some relatively no-nonsense characters. Trent Frederic is predicted by many to have a home on the 4th line, and he has shown his proclivity for getting down and dirty.

We’d be kidding ourselves if this was finally the year Brad Marchand decided to eliminate his occasional antics. As long as our resident rat can keep the pesty behavior from limiting his ice-time, Marchand can often look at his absolute best when he’s fired up AS LONG AS HE STAYS ON THE ICE! Even though Kevan Miller isn’t lacing them up anymore, the Bruins could see an uptick in their physical prowess this season with this group.

3) Don’s Door-Stoppers

In this whirlwind of an off-season, one thing has remained constant. Don Sweeney loves keeping the door open. He’s kept both Krejci’s and Tuukka’s respective doors open. Bruins fans seem to be split on this behavior. There is certainly a laundry list of pros and cons for either side of the debate. Move on and let the kids we’ve been developing begin their eventual takeover, or let’s bring the band back together again for another shot! That aforementioned window looks mighty clean!

Well, the return of Krejci this year has been refuted straight from the horse’s mouth. On the contrary, our one-time Vezina winning, un-signed starting goalie who has spent his entire career in black and gold has made it quite clear he wants to be back in Boston when his body permits. Tuukka went as far as saying he would play for beer! Don’s Door-Stopper will likely be there for longer than fans who want all the answers would like.

There is no need for Cam Neeley to thank me for teeing up this genius marketing plan for the team. It was my pleasure. In all seriousness, the potential ad revenue is a good thing! Ultimately it’s one of the quickest ways to speed up the cap increases the whole league will desperately need. Let’s hope they keep it sleek and consist of nothing that could give any rival team’s Twitter warriors any ammo to use against us.